15. Johnny Elbows

What's In a Name?

Claire walked down the back stairwell from her apartment above The Little Spoon into the kitchen, as she did most mornings, where she was typically greeted with “Good Morning, Sunshine!” or something similar from her dad. Today the kitchen was quiet, well mostly quiet. Rather than a boisterous greeting, the only sound emanating from Bryan was a combination of grunt and sigh. He was on the other side of the kitchen, near the back door, leaning backward with the door frame pressing in between his shoulder blades. His head was cocked to one side, and as he pressed harder onto the door frame, he grunted a little louder.

“Dad, are you okay?” Claire already knew what the problem was. “Did you hurt your back again?”

Bryan opened his eyes, and turned his head toward her—well as much as he could— “Oh, Good Morning Sunshine,” he strained, “It's nothing, I’m fine.”

“I can tell, dad. You’ve hurt your back. What did you do?”

Bryan looked a little sheepish when he pointed and answered, “I was lifting that.”

“The counter? That’s so heavy, you should have waited for some help.” Claire sighed.

Bryan pointed a little harder, “No, my coffee cup.” Claire looked at the cup sitting on the counter and couldn’t help but laugh. This was funny in a way for sure, but he really looked uncomfortable.

“What can I do to help?” Claire asked, already knowing his answer.

“Nothing, I’m fine,” he managed a smile, “It’ll be better in a few minutes.”

Claire knew from past experience what was likely to happen. Her father’s back didn’t go-out on him often, but when it did it usually took quite a bit longer than ‘a few minutes’ before he was back to normal. She would do her best to cover for him today, beginning with getting him a fresh cup of coffee and convincing him to sit down and rest.

Shortly after Bryan was seated with a fresh cup of coffee, courtesy of Claire, Rose entered through the rear door and shot straight through the kitchen without a word, tucking her purse and jacket away before preparing the dining room for the day. She walked back through the swinging door wearing one of her print aprons and began chatting with Claire. As they spoke, she noticed a stiff figure fumbling away over in the prep area, and stuck her thumb in that direction as she asked Claire, “Why is yer dad doin’ the robot over there?” She called over to Bryan, “Are you tryin’ some kind of new dance?”

Claire answered for him, “He hurt his back again. It hasn’t happened for a while, but every now and then he does something silly and hurts himself.”

“What did he do, lift something heavy?” Rose inquired.

“His coffee cup.”

Rose began to laugh as she walked over to him, “Aye Bryan, maybe you should switch to a wee teacup.”

Bryan was unamused, but tried to laugh along. Even laughing hurt. “I just pinched a nerve,” he said, “I’ll be fine in a few minutes.”

“Let me have a look then,” Rose approached him and Bryan assumed a defensive posture.

“No, no - I’m okay.”

“Nonsense, look at ya. Turn around and let me help. I’ve been told I have magic hands.” Bryan was in no position to argue, and honestly he felt like he needed help.

Annie was out in the gift shop tidying-up and dusting when she heard the noise. It was her husband, or a cat, or something in pain. She knew of course that Bryan had hurt his back, but this sounded like quite an escalation. Annie entered the kitchen to see Bryan face-down on the floor, with Rose kneeling over him. “What’s going on!?” Annie exclaimed, “Why is Bryan on the floor?”

Claire jumped in with an answer. “Don’t worry mom, Rose is trying to help him. She says she has magic hands.”

Annie leaned over them both. “Are you okay, is this helping?”

“Sort-of, and no,” Bryan grunted from the floor. “I think I better get up, Rose.”

Annie and Rose each took a side and helped Bryan up off the floor. He looked pretty stiff, and needed a little dusting-off. He gave a valiant effort at smiling and thanked Rose for trying.  “I think I’ll just take it easy for a while and it’ll get better. This isn’t the first time, and it likely won’t be the last.” 

Annie thought for a moment, and said “I think you need to see a chiropractor, or at least get a massage” —she glanced at Rose, who shrugged her shoulders— “from a professional.”

“No, I don’t want to see a chiropractor. Getting cracked makes me nervous. I’ll be okay.”

Annie was determined. “Then maybe a massage. There’s that place around the corner, by the fire department that does massages and other things.”

“Other things?” Rose chimed in. “Don’t be lettin’ them stick needles in ya.”

“No, other things like facials and nail manicures - it’s a spa,” said Annie.

Bryan began to say “I’ll be okay—” and his voice cut off as he winced in pain. “Okay, maybe a massage then.”

“I’ll call them right now and see when they can take you.” Annie left to use the phone.

🫖

Annie walked Bryan from the car through the front door and sat him down in the waiting room. She went to the front desk to get him checked in. He could have done this all himself, as he was feeling a bit better, however neither Claire or Annie would let him go alone. Rose simply told him not to take too long.

As Bryan waited, he was struck by a calming aroma that he couldn’t place. It left a slightly menthol sensation in his nostrils, and seemed to be emanating from everywhere all at once.  “Excuse me, what is that I’m smelling?” Bryan called over toward the desk, as Annie was signing some sort of document.

“Eucalyptus,” said the woman behind the desk. “It’s a healing scent.”  Bryan didn’t know if it would heal him, but he sure liked it. She called back toward him, “Leslie will be ready for you in a few minutes.” 

Leslie, Bryan thought. Thank goodness. His back was really aching and he was in need of a gentle touch. Annie finished signing him in, walked over and sat down beside her husband.  Bryan held her hand and thanked her. He was putting on a brave face, but was very thankful that Annie was looking after him. “My back is still really tender, I hope Leslie has small, gentle hands.”

“Just tell her to be gentle. Ask her to go easy on you,” Annie offered.

“I can’t do that. You know I can’t show weakness.” Bryan said matter-of-factly.

“Why not?”

Before he could answer, the light seemed to darken as a hulking figure appeared in front of them, dressed in khakis, runners and a white polo shirt.  This fellow was well over six feet tall, and resembled a linebacker. Bryan looked him up and down, then asked, “Can I help you?”

The fellow extended his right hand, “Hi, my name is Leslie, and you must be Bryan,” he said, consulting a clipboard in his other hand.

“Wait…you’re not a woman. How much do you weigh?” Bryan spoke before he could stop himself.

“What? Well, about two-sixty. Why?” 

Annie could feel Bryan’s fingers digging into her hand as he looked up wide-eyed at Leslie. She answered, giving her husband a devious glance, “Yes, this is Bryan - and he’s looking forward to your help today.” She looked squarely at her husband, “I’ll be back to pick you up in an hour,” Annie slung her purse over her shoulder, “you’re in good hands with Leslie.” And with that, she was gone.

Leslie led the way through a few small hallways, and into a modest, but not cramped private room. Bryan thought he could feel the sensation of his pupils dilating in the dim light. Soft calming music and the ever-present smell of eucalyptus completed the relaxing atmosphere - however Bryan was anything but relaxed. “Get undressed,” Leslie instructed, “and lie face-up on the table between the sheets. Shorts on or off, your choice. I’ll be back in a few minutes so we can get going.”

“On.” Bryan said reflexively, as Leslie stepped into the hall and closed the door.

Bryan tried to remain calm as he removed his shoes, socks, shirt, pants and…pulled his shorts up a little higher. What had he gotten himself into? What had Annie gotten him into?  He climbed in between the warm sheets and breathed slowly and steadily, trying to be brave. As he lay there with his eyes closed, for the first time that day, he began to feel some relief. Moreover, he began to relax. Maybe this would be okay after all, and even if it didn’t help, what could it hurt? Leslie might be the size of a wrestler, but he was a professional, right? He shook the thought of professional wrestler out of his mind. A knock at the door signaled Leslie’s return.  Making a few final notes, Leslie asked. “So, it looks like you’re in some pain today. What happened?”  Bryan explained he simply lifted something in the kitchen at the restaurant, when he felt a shooting pain through the middle of his back. Then came the obvious question: “What were you lifting, something heavy?”

“My coffee cup.” Bryan answered for the third time that day. Leslie stopped writing and looked at him. 

“That must be some cup,” he wrote a final note. “Okay, just relax and let’s see if we can get rid of that pain.” Leslie warmed up some massage oil in his burly hands, then clapped them together before reaching for one of Bryan’s arms.

Bryan began to speak, not because he wanted to, but because he couldn’t help himself. “So how long have you been Leslie…I mean, doing massages as Leslie..no wait, what I mean is my back is really sore and I thought Leslie would be a woman, and…ya know, small hands - do you like tea?” Bryan tried to smile. 

“Relax, Bryan, I’m not going to hurt you. I’m going to help you. You thought I was going to be a woman because of my name, right?”

“No, no I’m just - oh forgive me, I’m not sure what I think. I’m just in pain - and a little scared.”

Leslie reached for an arm and began to work. “I tell you what, my middle name is John, and you’re welcome to use it. I used to go by John when I was a kid, so the other kids wouldn’t pick on me…until I got bigger of course.” Bryan could not imagine anyone picking on this guy - for anything.

Leslie proceeded to knead and massage arms, elbows, wrists and hands before moving on to feet and legs. Bryan began to relax as these experienced hands - as opposed to Rose’s magic hands - loosened and relaxed his muscles and joints. Thirty minutes into his hour-long session, Bryan was asked to turn over, and he obliged, placing his face over the hole in the headrest. Leslie worked his oiled hands over Bryan’s back, stopping for a moment to make an assessment. “You have quite a knot right here by your shoulder blade. I think I’ll focus on that spot.” 

Leslie began to massage the source of Bryan’s discomfort, first with one hand, then two - as if he was kneading bread dough. This was a different feeling altogether, and it hurt! Leslie had certainly found “the spot” and was working relentlessly to do what felt to Bryan as flattening-out a tennis ball stuck under his shoulder blade. Bryan felt his hands forming fists, as discomfort turned to pain. His eyes were clenched shut and time began to slow as what seemed like an unknown implement was now in use, pressing, prodding and rolling the knotted muscle into submission. This level of pain was beyond anything Bryan had anticipated, and he could barely breathe as he stared wide-eyed at the carpet.

“Are you doing okay?” Leslie asked.

With every cell in his body, Bryan wanted to end this torture and bring the nightmare to a close.  Leslie had given him an opportunity to bow-out gracefully with a few simple words. Surely his tormentor would understand, and not think less of him…he hoped. All he had to do was say “I’ve had enough” or “could you ease-up a bit”, so he took a shallow breath and answered in a calm but squeaky voice, against all his better judgment: “I’m fine.” 

“Okay then, just a few more minutes. I can feel things loosening.” As the session continued, Bryan pictured in his mind a combination rolling pin and fencepost being used to roll him flat like a pancake, while Leslie stood over him with glowing red eyes and an evil grin, intent on inflicting as much pain as possible. Bryan was holding his breath, and watched a bead of sweat drip from his nose to the carpet as he exhaled. Then all at once, he was free. Leslie clapped his hands and said “That’s it, we’re done.” 

Bryan looked up at the clock on the wall.  He could not believe an hour had passed - especially the last half. Instead of the glowing eyes and evil grin, Leslie wore a broad smile, as he said “I think you’ll feel a lot better now.”

Bryan felt exhausted. “So, should I get dressed?”

“Yes, absolutely, I’ll meet you out front.”

“Hey Leslie, can I ask you a question?” Bryan was looking around the room.

“Of course.”

“What were you using on me at the end? I don’t see any tools or like - a rolling pin or anything. Whatever you used hurt like mad, but it was worth it. I feel great!”

“Oh, that’s my secret weapon; my elbows. When I used to use my middle name, people would even call me “Johnny Elbows.” 

Bryan got dressed and found his way back to the front desk where Annie was waiting for him.  His back was still sore, but the knot was definitely gone and he was on the mend. “How do you feel?” asked Annie as she helped Bryan with his jacket.

“Oh, I’m doing much better, thanks to Johnny here.” he motioned toward Leslie who was behind the counter. Leslie gave a little bow. In fact, I want to set up another appointment.

“Johnny?” Annie looked confused. “I thought this was Leslie.”

Bryan said, “Oh, that name is for regular people, but those of us who are friends know him by something different. Annie, I’d like to introduce you to my new masseuse: Johnny Elbows.”